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Candles never taste the way they smell
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates