there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
incredible