My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.