Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
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[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
How about I get 100% off by already being there