At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You Might Also Like
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.