17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣