What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Yeah. This was me today.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “