What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.