I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
What about a To-Don’t List?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Did I do this right
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.