It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Blew my mind.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”