I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I have a type: disappointing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
plant them where lol
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?