I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Try and stop me.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.