I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I can’t stop watching this.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
every college guy’s fridge
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.