Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Comparing yourself to others
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Smooooooth