Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski