yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My work here is don’t.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord