Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something