I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next