Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls