FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]