“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”