tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
🛁
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis