A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?