Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*