I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Botany good plants lately?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.