Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.