I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Incredible customer service.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
💁🏻♂️
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
bury ourselves
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.