bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church