If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
ready to be harvested
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
We have a winner.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Covid like
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.