[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Mad Max: Furry Road
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Oh my God.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!