me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.