Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*