Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’m awake but I object,
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
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The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert