[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.