The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
White Castle for the Win
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor