My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You Might Also Like
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works