me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot