He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.