Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.