*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
War & Peace
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.