Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.