For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?