When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows