tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter