Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
How to find Kentucky on a map
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?