son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits