My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down