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ok like just. call me at this point
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Bed should get ready for ME
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes