Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
💀
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far