*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
boat question
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
A game married people play.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing