@PDLComics

boat question

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@Kyle_Raney

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@Stellacopter

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@Ivsy01

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

@noog

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

@JillianKarger

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

@StevieKnip

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

@SCbchbum

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

@nekolot

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.