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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?