boat question

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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*


why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?


my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.


Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?


MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal


PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever


Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.